GOD'S ANGRY DREIDELS

    A mile wide tornado! God must be really pissed at Alabama again. Usually His angry dreidels aren't as big or as deadly. Usually they are more for show, to flex some Hebrew muscle, especially around Passover time. It's the modern version of the Seven Plagues of Egypt all spun together like cotton candy into a tight, twirling,  time-saving twister. After all, it  must be the Jewish God because why would the Christian God year after year after year keep on slamming His most devoted followers with these terrifying, murderous tornadoes that pick-off their targets one by one. The focus and intensity makes them seem cruelly intentional.
    It's a terrible thing that no one deserves, but you know darn well that as soon as the quake hits us in San Fran, it's going to be because we were wearing wigs and riding dildos, and Southerners will say we deserved it. Luckily, earthquakes only hit maybe once or twice in a lifetime. These tornadoes keep coming one after another for entire seasons. Obviously God is much angrier at them right now. It's probably got something to do with The Republicans trying to fuck with Medicare. But who knows? As they say, God knows.
    But there's a simple way for people in the Southern states to drastically decrease their chances of being  tornado victims. It's quite scientific. Statistical mathematics and empirical data has shown that gay Jews are the most unlikely group to die from an acute tornado attack. This points to one conclusion, the easy answer to preventing  tornadoes deaths. Since tornadoes hardly ever kill gay Jews, much less even find them, all that has to be done is for people in the South to turn into gay Jews. Maybe then they'll have a little better luck.