HAM ON HEELS

                                             

 I was always excited about Halloween more than my boyfriends seemed to be. Maybe it's because they knew what they were in for. Scott, Pepe, and Brian had all taken their turns in suffering through the frantic preparation and construction of these costumes. Every year there was a last minute panic to paint, plaster, or patch something unfinished before we could leave. All the times I tried to help were disastrous, so they got stuck with most of the work. It was only fair though. After all, I was the Idea Man. Coming up with the concept was the hardest part, at least that is what I would say in my defense.

         In the end, it somehow always worked out. The exhausting effort and thousands of dollars put into these costumes was all worth it. Even Scott, Pepe, and Brian would agree. I want to thank them all for putting up with me and being a part of those amazing nights...

SAN FRANCISCO YEARS:

BAYWATCH

     

                           

         Brian and I are two of The Baywatch Babes, and our friend Graham is the lifeguard ( someone had to play the man, and it certainly wasn't going to be me). There was booze under the bench where we sat up top, and we got drunker as the night went on. Amazingly, none of us fell off!

The lifeguard stand was 14' tall from tip of the umbrella to the bottom wheels.

 The Great White Shark was a little shorter at 12'.

Chuck Connor was the man swallowed by The Great White that he built from chicken wire and cloth. Barely able to see through the small eye slot cut into the shark at the front of the fin, he would run through the crowd yelling for help until he reached the lifeguard stand.

Babe Brian flirted with the lifeguard as I was busy fixing my make-up the whole night.

My friend Ron Brock dropped by to assist me with my dropping boobs, and my favorite co-worker and friend Ali 'Rimshot' Abramson dribbled by.

                                 And I must mention that our wigs were done by my very creative friend Yvette.

It was our job to rescue Chuck from the shark by screaming, punching, slapping and kicking it. Onlookers kept crawling inside with Chuck and had to be rescued too.  Every 15  minutes we carried Chuck away on the stretcher still in the shark and dumped him in the back of the gas station.

              This picture is very special because it is the only time the third Baywatch Babe, Jeff Neibling, ever stood behind me. He had spent the whole night front and center upstaging Brian and me. We all had to push the heavy lifeguard stand from Jeff's driveway all the way up to The Chevron Station on 17th & Market Street. This was where friends knew to wait for us to arrive every year at 9:00 sharp.

     In one of the greatest Halloween double-crosses of the 21st Century, a block from Market Street Jeff switched his flip-flops for a pair of high heels that he had hidden under a life preserver and ran ahead of us. By the time we pushed the lifeguard stand to the gas station, he had already started his own show rescuing onlookers and giving them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I have to admit he knew how to put on a show and was great entertainment that night. After we rolled the lifeguard stand back to his driveway and went home, Jeff stayed out until 2 AM  hanging off the stand trying to rescue anyone who passed by.

                                       THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE

     The original Poseidon Adventure was made in 1972, back when it was still called a Tidal Wave, not a Tsunami. The biggest thing in this classic was not the 100-foot wave that capsizes the ship on New Year's Eve. The biggest thing in the film was Shelley Winters. 

    The cast had to climb up a giant Christmas tree inorder to be rescued, and they all had to help Shelley get her giant ass up to the top.  

Gene Hackman, playing The Reverend,

 struggles to push Shelley up the tree.

And that's what we did the whole night...

       Graham, as The Reverend, prays to God for the strength to move me.

 Brian, in hot pants and go-go boots, was the girl who sang "There's Got To Be A Morning After", lipsynching from the top of the tree as it played from a boombox hidden inside the tree. 

Stella Stevens was the brashy blonde ex-hooker, 

played by our even brashier friend Raini.

They pushed and pulled and tugged at me for 3 hours.

Brian even tried to tempt me up the tree with chicken

They would get me nearly to the top, and then I would tumble back down.

 I could have seriously hurt myself if I wasn't protected by the fat suit.

                                                 One of those magic moments that I still remember was when I had the chance to kiss Brian and share a few private words about the unbelievable night.

.

Brian working on the base of the tree.

The tree was constructed around a ladder fixed to a wooden ring with wheels at the base. We could climb the tree by stepping on the rungs, while Chuck (left) stood inside the ladder as he steered the tree through the crowd. 

  STAMPY'S REVENGE

   I was inside the front half, in charge of swinging the blow-up Showgirl with my trunk and smashing her against things. Brian was inside the back half of the Elephant, throwing out lumps of charcoal from a hole underneath the tail to make it look like Stampy was shitting, and Elephant Trainer Graham would sweep it away into the crowd. Graham hit us with the broom every time I swung the Showgirl at him, and at one point, he got stomped on by Stampy.

    

 Our girlfriend Raini, who was Stella Stevens in the Poseidon Adventure, played Circus Girl, and Frankie McTavish, Brian's best friend and the 1999 winner of the coveted Battle for the Tiara, was uncharacteristically hidden in the Gorilla suit.

                      Brian and I hold up the paper machete shell of the Elephant.

                      When we had enough of our rampaging at the Chevron station, 

                      we crawled out of the Elephant drenched in sweat.

 OLGA AND HER MAGIC LEGS

      This was the last costume Scott helped build before he and Jason moved to Georgia. Scott still says the best part about living in a different state is never having to help me on Halloween again. 

People thought they were my real legs until they moved in humanly impossible ways.

`

        I still remember the emotions I was feeling when this picture was taken. Looking down, I smiled and savored the moment. I was sending a message to my future self to remember this. The costume was a huge hit and I was having one of the best nights of my life.

 

LATE NIGHT WORK-OUT

I just minded my own business and did cardio at The Chevron Station. I must have burned over 8000 calories in those 3 hours.

The Surgeon General says that stair-climbing while smoking reduces the risk of cancer.
When I got a little drunk from the vodka in my water bottle and fell off my Stair Climber,  a drag queen who was passing by hopped on it. The rip in my leotard is from that fall into the bushes.

The Punishment

I was forced to wear this boring costume at a  Halloween dance after losing a bet with my friends Ron and Stuart. It made them so happy to make me feel so plain. I suffered through the entire night, hiding myself in the corner, not wanting anyone to see me.

SHARK BAIT

I had no idea how much pain my legs were going to be in by the end of the night
 after doing squatting poses for 3 hours.

Graham was there to make sure the dolls stayed in place. He rescued me earlier that night when one of the dolls tore open and deflated. He drove all the way back to the sex shop where the sex dolls came from and bought the last one in stock. Then he spent an hour trying to get the dolls into the right position with a fishing line.
( Even sex dolls don't like being put in certain positions and tied up)

      The 15'  water skiing tow rope was tied to a telephone pole 

This Fabulous Fish swam up out of the blue for the perfect photo-op.
The dolls actually look like they're reacting to it.

Flying Nun

Graham, in his Preacher outfit again,  pushed the church steeple
 as I crashed into the bell.

Yvette helped to sew the nun's habit.

 HOT HEAD

                              This is an especially sentimental picture for me. It was the first Halloween I did in San Francisco after moving from New York, and the first solo one. My old friend Tommie Meadows did my makeup that year and was sweet enough to do it every year after. Thanks Tommie!

 New York Years

THE

 PUMPS

Maud Frizon was the Manolo Blahnik of her day. 

Carrie Bradshaw would have definitely owned a few pairs of us.

  Our friend Kyle was happy with his

 angel-in sweatpants outfit 

until Scott and I stepped through the door.

   RAVISHING RABBIS

Scott and I went to a Hasidic clothing store on the Lower East Side and lied to the salesman that we were doing a college production of "Fiddler on the Roof". The salesman insisted we take his address so that we could invite him
to the opening night performance.

Scott shows his natural gift of drag with his 'Eartha Kitt on a piano' pose.

URBAN FOREST

The only thing more out of place than trees on a New York City sidewalk is a pair of them trying to get on the Subway down to the Halloween Parade at Greenwich Village. 




One of the messiest costumes,
 not to mention the most difficult to walk in.

GOING CO-OP

This was the year that every apartment in New York seemed to be going co-op,
including the rental that Scott and I were forced out of.

HALSTON

   

      Halston was hanging with Liza at Studio 54
 every weekend and was the hottest designer around. 

      One of those special moments I remember was when Scott and I kissed good luck 

before getting into the mannequins. It was almost as difficult to walk around 

in these as it was inside the trees. 

THE BIRDS

 We were the school children being attacked by birds in the Hitchcock classic.

POOL BOYS 

This was the only time Scott, Pepe, and I did Halloween together. Scott's boyfriend Alfonso was the fourth inflated diva. Our designer dresses prove that anything, including Kiddie Pools, can be turned into an outfit if you are determined enough and if you are gay enough. 

 BOXED-IN BARBIES

Pepe and I started out in mint condition

but by the end of the night 
we were worn out and worthless.

THE BIG BALL

The only time Scott and I did glamour drag was for a charity ball. The two gentlemen are Curtis Houlihan and Joe Bougus, a hairdresser and dear friend who did our wigs and makeup. 

Our friend Peter made the gowns.
                                                  Oh, the talent of us gays.

These nights are my most treasured memories—perfect moments captured perfectly. But everything comes to an end, hopefully at the right time. Every Halloween, people who remember the costumes still come up to me and laugh about them. They ask if I'll do it again, and my answer is that I have retired. It's best to walk away willingly. I wanted to stop before people started saying, "Oh look, it's her again."