Stutterpuss: Nov 2, 2013

This past Friday night, I did what any 52 year old gay man would do--- I went to a costume party as Shirley Temple, tap shoes and all ( Actually I was Burley Temple, a much less lollipopish and much more hairy version of Shirley).
It all started a week before at Graham and Paul's house from a conversation about the Grand Jury papers finally being made public from the JonBenet Ramsey case. This led to another conversation about child beauty pageants, which led to the topic of child stars, which led to Shirley Temple, which led to me impersonating Shirley Temple throwing a temper tantrum, which led to the birth of Burley Temple.
Ahmed and Doug, two great guys who have an annual Halloween costume party, insisted that I come as Burley, which I scoffed at like I did every time they invited me. I hadn't done Halloween in over ten years, and had not been to a costume party at someone's house in thirty years. Graham and Paul wanted me to go too, and they started daring me to do Burley in public.
" It's so easy compared to the old costumes," Graham prodded me. " All you have to do is stomp around and be a brat. That's what you do anyway."
My ex-boyfriend, Drew, joined in the prodding, and promised he would dress-up and go to the party with me, which meant we could probably have sex after.
"And I have old tap shoes you can borrow!" Drew said with pride, which only a gay man can do.
I actually started to picture it in my mind. Stomping around in tap shoes the whole night would be really funny. I thought about it for a few more minutes, then said I would do it. " But only if I'm allowed to be pouty, disagreeable, stubborn, throw temper tantrums and not talk to anybody there," I told all of them as I counted off each demand with my fingers.

Graham had played a big part in my more elaborate costumes so there was a special Halloween connection between us, on top of our very close 19 year friendship. He thought it was great for me to let Halloween back into my life and let that part of me come out again. He was so shocked that I was actually going to come out of Halloween retirement and go to a costume party that, at first, he didn't believe me.

I didn't completely believe I would do it either, until I found myself online later that night Googling 'Shirley Temple', which I can guarantee no other gay or straight man who was online on Saturday night at 1:00 AM was doing.
I realized I didn't know anything about Shirley except four things:

the drink.

the first line of 'On The Good Ship Lollipop', which is 'on the good ship Lollipop'.

she became an ambassador with a hyphenated name.

that she pissed off Mae West (who I love) by being voted 'Most Popular Actress' three times in the 1930's.

First, I wanted to know whether Shirley Temple is still alive or not. This is usually considered to be one of those straightforward kind of questions, of the 'yes or no' variety. When I typed Is Shirley Temple dead? I quickly learned that 2013 was the wrong year to ask that question. It's a touchy subject, especially after Shirley Temple received a million condolences offering sympathy for her death that never happened:

Shirley Temple death hoax spreads on Facebook

Rumors of the actress’s alleged demise gained traction on Saturday after a ‘R.I.P. Shirley Temple’ Facebook page attracted nearly one million of ‘likes’. Those who read the ‘About’ page were given a believable account of the American actress’s passing:“ Our beloved actress Shirley Temple has passed away. She will be missed but not forgotten. Please show your sympathy and condolences by commenting on and liking this page.

AAAAA THE OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO
R.I.P. Shirley Temple'

From what I'm gathering, this was not the first time that her death had been rumored. There seems to be a whole online controversy over it, and has become enough of a topic to generate it's own websites and search results:

Dead or Alive? www.deadoraliveinfo.com/dead.nsf/tnames-nf/Temple+Shirley Use this page to find out if Shirley Temple is dead or alive. Very user friendly navigation and includes a search function and interactive quizzes.
IS SHIRLEY TEMPLE DEAD OR ALIVE?!!!!!!en.mediamass.net/people/shirley-temple/deathhoax.html
Shirley Temple Black Died‎ www.ask.com/Shirley+Temple+Black+Died‎ Search for Shirley Temple Black Died Look Up Quick Results on Ask.com
Searches related to”is shirley temple dead?”is shirley temple still alive:

shirley temple dead 2011
shirley temple dead 2009
shirley temple dead 2013

where does shirley temple live

All of these rumors can't be because people want Shirley Temple dead. No one in the world would want Shirley Temple to die. It would be like wanting Santa Claus to die, if he was actually real.

People just want to be part of the great loss that her death will inevitably be. She's transcended stardom and has become almost an historical figure who is tied to America's hope and greatness. Shirley Temple is nothing less than a national treasure. The problem is that people like to bury their treasure.

So far, the public has killed off poor Shirley three times. The first looks like it happened in 2009, then again in 2011, and then Facebook last May. This phenomenon should be given a name----- Bury Shirley Early Syndrome.

The main symptom is believing that Shirley Temple is dead when she isn't.The worst thing that could happen would be for it to become an epidemic. It cause can mass premature mourning. People everywhere, believing rumors they hear about her death and starting different rumors themselves. It could become as well-known and widespread as 6 Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, except in this case it would be 6 Feet Under with Shirley Temple.

It took almost an hour online for me to be absolutely certain that Shirley Temple wasn't dead. By that point, I was as so lost in Shirley Temple Land that I couldn't help listening over and over to the YouTube clip of her singing 'Good Ship Lollipop'. I played it so many times that I could have developed Diabetes. After the fifteenth time, I started to revise it to suit Burley Temple until there was nothing sweet left about it ---
' On the good ship

Lollipop
Its a sweet trip

To the candy shop

Where bon-bon's play

On the sunny beach

Of peppermint bay...'

HOW DO BON-BONS PLAY?
THESE ONES LOOK
PRETTY LAZY TO ME.

' I took a big shit

And I heard it plop
It made a big mess
Someone get a mop
The bon-bon's make me pay
On the sunny beach
With diarrhea the whole day...'

Even after I sang ' Good Ship Lottapoop' to Graham, he still didn't trust that I was going to come to the costume party until I bought the pink and white gingham dress. ( I found it for $8 the first day I went looking for one at Out Of The Closet on Church and Duboce, which I took as a sign from God that it was time to put on women's clothes again).

Drew helped me get the curly, brown wig, and also tracked down a pair of large Mary-Janes at PayLess Shoes , which he was able to screw his old taps into.

A blond himself, Drew did 'blond-on-blond', and went as Peter Berlin, the 1970's self-proclaimed gay icon who was a cross between the Marlboro Man and Farah Fawcett. Peter was Thom Of Finland's blond muse, and the muse of many other men as well, especially in dark, gay movie houses across the country. He was an artist, and at the same time, was a piece of art himself. A real Gay Superhero, with a Superhero body and a Superhero penis. He shot his own photography, made movies which he starred in, and even designed his own clothes, proving to the fashion world that buttons were unnecessary.