"Thank you for getting old enough for the both of us, darling. It's very thoughtful of you," he pecked my cheek and patted my back." It's amazing how every time I see you Gary, you get older, and grayer, and balder, and poorer, and I think even shorter."
" I don't understand. How do you look the same year after year? What are you having done?"
" Everything you can't afford."
" You can't keep it up forever"
" As long as there's white rhino horns and blue whale blubber left in the world I can."
---from PORTRAIT OF DORIAN BROWN part 2, 3/27/11
The airplane I'm on heading towards Australia has just taken off, so there's no turning back. My dear, dear, dear friend Michael V has paid for my entire round trip flight and has also completely furnished the second bedroom of his new swinging singles pad only a week after he signed the lease just so I would have a comfortable room for myself. I consider this an amazing gift. I also consider it the prize for surviving as the victim of his brutal humor longer than any other human being. My only real competition was a friend of his named Trevor, another person Michael loved to make fun of. Unfortunately Trevor died very unexpectedly last year, strangely enough, from causes unrelated to Michael.
The same thing can't be said about another coincidentally deceased friend of Michael's named Paul. Paul was a fellow Australian who rented a room in Michael's apartment back when he lived in San Francisco. He was a tall, blond trainer at Gold's Gym who just happened to be a little overweight and was havng a difficult time getting new clientele.
"Paul, it's simple. No more biscuits and milkshakes everynight. If you want to increase your business, you first have to decrease your waistline." Michael burrowed his way into Paul's mind like Hannibal Lecter until he convinced Paul to have liposuction. Paul had the procedure and, to the total shock of everyone, died of complications from the surgery a few days after. At Paul's funeral all eyes were on Michael as if he was a murderer.
" It wasn't my fault. He asked me if I thought he was fat. Was I supposed to lie?' Michael tried defending himself to his accusers. " I was just giving him advice. It was part of his business plan." We got out of the funeral parlor just in time, right before Paul's mother arrived. " I can't believe Paul did this to me! Next time I'm accused of killing someone, I'm coming in disguise. Something with a black veil," he said as we hurried to his car.
With Trevor and Paul both dead, I am the last of his favorite targets still standing. I'm also one of his favorite people in the world, and he is one of mine. I realize as I'm writing about Michael I should try to make you also see his good qualities, which he usually hides for entertainment sake. He is so much more than the vile person he claims to be. First of all, he votes much more liberally than he makes people believe. He is also one of the most loyal and dependable friends I've ever had, and is one of the two most generous people I know ( My ex Alex being the other). He doesn't care about getting gifts in return as much as he values kind gestures that show extra effort. Michael has always been hard-working and full of energy, and is annoyed that he has to waste time sleeping. Michael is also fearlessly outspoken and lies much less than other people. He is astute and perceptive, and is level-headed when giving advice to others and making decisions for himself. He is a man of his word and tries to be as fair as possible when he makes any kind of deal( Just don't ever try to get the upperhand on him. You'll regret it). Above all, Michael V is hilarious. He makes everyone in a room laugh even if they don't want to. He skewers himself just as much as he makes fun of other people, and is comfortable enough to sometimes be as queenie and outragious as everyone hopes he'll be.
To downplay his own kindness, Michael has been trying to convince me that the reason why he is flying me half way around the world is to see how much more I've aged in a year, and to laugh at how much older I'm going to look than all the Aussie boys at the events he's taking me to for Sydney's gay version of Mardi Gras.
" Mirror, mirror on the wall,
will Gary be the oldest at the Ball? "
" Yes, my queen, that is true, but Gary will still find a date faster than you"
" We already have tickets for The Harbor Dance for when you arrive. You'll surely to be the oldest and hairiest man there. It's the most superficial, young, beautiful group of bitches I've ever seen. They make me sound like Mary Poppins. Wait to see how they run screaming from you. They'll jump in the harbor just to get away," he cackled over the phone a few days ago.
" Michael, there's always guys who love my type. And there is no one who does the bald and hairy thing better than me. I stand alone," I told him with my unflappable confidence that always eggs him on.
" Oh believe me, you will stand alone. ALL alone."
We both laughed and described how we each envisioned The Harbor Dance. His vision was, of course, more brutal.
" I better doublecheck to see if 'the handicapped' are even allowed in. I saw a group of gorgeous boys with their shirts off push a man in a wheelchair right into the harbor last year. Thank God you can hide your hideous handicap, at least until you open your mouth."
" Isn't it strange that both our handicaps are obvious when we open our mouths. Mine is my stutter and yours is your personalty. How do you plan on hiding that?"
" The only thing I'm planning on hiding is my wrinkles. A person is allowed to be a bitch at The Harbor Party, but not a wrinkled bitch. The problem is you're not even a bitch. You're just wrinkled. That has to be worse," Michael pointed out. " And just to be sure I look my youngest when I stand next to you, I've scheduled another Botox appointment for Friday before your arival."
" What happens if standing next to me actually makes you look older instead of younger, and we become 'those two old guys standing over there'? "
" Then I'll push you into the harbor faster than the guy in the wheelchair."
My 23 year old friend Zel, who for the past few months I've been playing 'Big Brother plus' with, has been hearing my wild Michael V stories and listening to Michael and I carry on over the phone as my departure date got closer. A few hours before I left for the airport, Zel insisted that I get extra travel insurance just incase something strange and unexpected happens while I'm with Michael. I let him sign me up for it just because his concern was so sincere and sexy.
I am now the proud holder of a $98 policy that covers me for emergency dental work up to $3000, emergency surgery up to $25,000, emergency medi-copter transport up to $100,000, including injury caused by a nuclear incident, a terrorist attack, or an act of God. Unfortunately there was no policy that covers me specifically against an act of Michael V, but I think I'll still be fine.
" I don't understand. How do you look the same year after year? What are you having done?"
" Everything you can't afford."
" You can't keep it up forever"
" As long as there's white rhino horns and blue whale blubber left in the world I can."
---from PORTRAIT OF DORIAN BROWN part 2, 3/27/11
The airplane I'm on heading towards Australia has just taken off, so there's no turning back. My dear, dear, dear friend Michael V has paid for my entire round trip flight and has also completely furnished the second bedroom of his new swinging singles pad only a week after he signed the lease just so I would have a comfortable room for myself. I consider this an amazing gift. I also consider it the prize for surviving as the victim of his brutal humor longer than any other human being. My only real competition was a friend of his named Trevor, another person Michael loved to make fun of. Unfortunately Trevor died very unexpectedly last year, strangely enough, from causes unrelated to Michael.
The same thing can't be said about another coincidentally deceased friend of Michael's named Paul. Paul was a fellow Australian who rented a room in Michael's apartment back when he lived in San Francisco. He was a tall, blond trainer at Gold's Gym who just happened to be a little overweight and was havng a difficult time getting new clientele.
"Paul, it's simple. No more biscuits and milkshakes everynight. If you want to increase your business, you first have to decrease your waistline." Michael burrowed his way into Paul's mind like Hannibal Lecter until he convinced Paul to have liposuction. Paul had the procedure and, to the total shock of everyone, died of complications from the surgery a few days after. At Paul's funeral all eyes were on Michael as if he was a murderer.
" It wasn't my fault. He asked me if I thought he was fat. Was I supposed to lie?' Michael tried defending himself to his accusers. " I was just giving him advice. It was part of his business plan." We got out of the funeral parlor just in time, right before Paul's mother arrived. " I can't believe Paul did this to me! Next time I'm accused of killing someone, I'm coming in disguise. Something with a black veil," he said as we hurried to his car.
With Trevor and Paul both dead, I am the last of his favorite targets still standing. I'm also one of his favorite people in the world, and he is one of mine. I realize as I'm writing about Michael I should try to make you also see his good qualities, which he usually hides for entertainment sake. He is so much more than the vile person he claims to be. First of all, he votes much more liberally than he makes people believe. He is also one of the most loyal and dependable friends I've ever had, and is one of the two most generous people I know ( My ex Alex being the other). He doesn't care about getting gifts in return as much as he values kind gestures that show extra effort. Michael has always been hard-working and full of energy, and is annoyed that he has to waste time sleeping. Michael is also fearlessly outspoken and lies much less than other people. He is astute and perceptive, and is level-headed when giving advice to others and making decisions for himself. He is a man of his word and tries to be as fair as possible when he makes any kind of deal( Just don't ever try to get the upperhand on him. You'll regret it). Above all, Michael V is hilarious. He makes everyone in a room laugh even if they don't want to. He skewers himself just as much as he makes fun of other people, and is comfortable enough to sometimes be as queenie and outragious as everyone hopes he'll be.
To downplay his own kindness, Michael has been trying to convince me that the reason why he is flying me half way around the world is to see how much more I've aged in a year, and to laugh at how much older I'm going to look than all the Aussie boys at the events he's taking me to for Sydney's gay version of Mardi Gras.
" Mirror, mirror on the wall,
will Gary be the oldest at the Ball? "
" Yes, my queen, that is true, but Gary will still find a date faster than you"" Michael, there's always guys who love my type. And there is no one who does the bald and hairy thing better than me. I stand alone," I told him with my unflappable confidence that always eggs him on.
" Oh believe me, you will stand alone. ALL alone."
We both laughed and described how we each envisioned The Harbor Dance. His vision was, of course, more brutal.
" I better doublecheck to see if 'the handicapped' are even allowed in. I saw a group of gorgeous boys with their shirts off push a man in a wheelchair right into the harbor last year. Thank God you can hide your hideous handicap, at least until you open your mouth."
" Isn't it strange that both our handicaps are obvious when we open our mouths. Mine is my stutter and yours is your personalty. How do you plan on hiding that?"
" The only thing I'm planning on hiding is my wrinkles. A person is allowed to be a bitch at The Harbor Party, but not a wrinkled bitch. The problem is you're not even a bitch. You're just wrinkled. That has to be worse," Michael pointed out. " And just to be sure I look my youngest when I stand next to you, I've scheduled another Botox appointment for Friday before your arival."
" What happens if standing next to me actually makes you look older instead of younger, and we become 'those two old guys standing over there'? "
" Then I'll push you into the harbor faster than the guy in the wheelchair."
My 23 year old friend Zel, who for the past few months I've been playing 'Big Brother plus' with, has been hearing my wild Michael V stories and listening to Michael and I carry on over the phone as my departure date got closer. A few hours before I left for the airport, Zel insisted that I get extra travel insurance just incase something strange and unexpected happens while I'm with Michael. I let him sign me up for it just because his concern was so sincere and sexy.
I am now the proud holder of a $98 policy that covers me for emergency dental work up to $3000, emergency surgery up to $25,000, emergency medi-copter transport up to $100,000, including injury caused by a nuclear incident, a terrorist attack, or an act of God. Unfortunately there was no policy that covers me specifically against an act of Michael V, but I think I'll still be fine.
Michael V's ass blocking the view of
The Sydney Opera House AND The Sydney Harbor Bridge
at the Harbor Dance
OH honey I love your art work. Your scaring me though....
ReplyDeletelets not forget the private incentives from moi!
ReplyDelete