AN ENDING WITH A TWIST

     Every year I receive automatically-generated birthday cards from my dentist's office, from my gym, from my All-State insurance representative,  from my tanning salon offering me one free tan each September, from The Sunglasses Hut offering me a 20% discount,  and from the hospital where I work offering me one free meal in the cafeteria. Because it was my 50th birthday,  I also automatically got  the lovely gift of a colonoscopy from my Health Insurance Plan. It was the most expensive birthday gift I ever received. It touched my heart, and it touched my colon even deeper.

     You have to be crazy to think I wouldn't blog about my first colonoscopy. It's the perfect topic for me not to keep private. I knew I had to write it when the Receptionist at the Registration Counter of The Gastro -Intestinal Surgical Department thought I said  " I'm Gary Assman, here for my colonoscopy. "

     " Assman, Assman.... ," she repeated as she looked through the list of patients on her clipboard. " I don't see Assman here," she said, still searching the list.

     "Glassman ," I laughed. " For Dr. Hobbs."   

       Embarrassed, she apologized and quickly found my name as I continued to laugh about it.

     I was with my ex-boyfriend, Alex, who was going to drive me back to his place once I was finished. He was standing beside me rolling his eyes at the joy the receptionist's mistake was bringing  me. " She saying 'Assman'  just made the whole colonoscopy worth it for you. You just love these ass jokes. I'm sure you're going to make the operating room a real chuckle-fest, Gary."

   "  That's Mr. Assman to you,  my good man." I raised my eyebrows and looked down my nose at him with exaggerated formality.  

    " Oh really? Does Mr. Assman want to take the bus home?' Alex smirked." Mr. Assman better get his Assman over to that nurse who's waiting for you, "  he pointed, giving me a good luck peck on my lips.  

   "Thanks again for taking care of me today, " I said to him in the one moment of seriousness I allowed myself.

    The nurse gave me the same type of gown that I hand to patients at my hospital. Designed to open in the back, it had to have been originally conceived by a proctologist or someone else very interested in asses. It was perfect for the morning's events. I was more than happy to play the patient and be pampered for a change, even if it was for such an unpleasant reason.

    Soon after, I was wheeled into an elevator up to the Surgery Floor.  I held my head up for a better view as my gurney rolled through one set of double-doors and then another, then right into the operating room. Waiting for me was a troupe of strangers dressed in surgical gowns and caps.  I can't remember how many or even who some of  them were. They had introduced themselves, but I lost count at six.  

.    " Is the hospital selling tickets to this?" I joked.

     " If you're at all uncomfortable with us observing, we can leave. It's always the patient's choice. We'll tell Dr. Hobbs as soon as he arrives, " one of the interns immediately offered.

     " Oh no not at all, " I assured the intern. " The more the merrier. Believe me, I have absolutely no modesty or shame. And anyway, I'm in the business too. I do inpatient P.T. and my intern just finished a few weeks ago, so I totally understand and don't mind. I would be an asshole if I didn't let you see my asshole." Everyone laughed, which helped lighten the mood." You really don't have to worry about me getting embarrassed," I reassured them. I imagined how awkward the whole experience would be for someone more shy  than I, especially when one of the nurses gave her lecture on the importance of farting.

       " Don't hold back, " she warned me. " Whenever you feel the urge, let it out. We have to pump air inside you to open things up, and the only way to get it back out is by you releasing it the good 'ol natural way. The last thing you want is a lot of  air trapped up there. The more gas you pass during the procedure means the less cramping you'll have after. I highly recommend that you try your best."

   " This is the first time in my life I'm being ordered to fart," I laughed out loud.

   At that moment, my doctor came through the double-doors. " Why is there always laughs coming from the O.R. when it's a colonoscopy? Nobody laughs like this when I'm doing a liver biopsy, " he smiled and said his good mornings to everyone.

    " Doctor Hobbs, I  just want to tell you that I've been ordered to fart as much as I can," I warned him.

    " Did they tell you that? They're all malicious liars," he said with a straight face as the rest of them laughed. He then sat down on his stool and rolled over to the gurney right next to my ass and told me to turn on my side as the anesthesia drip was started." O.K. let's begin," Dr. Hobbs said. 

    That was the last thing I remember. The next sound I heard was Alex's voice in the Recovery Room. I was still groggy and totally confused. I wasn't supposed to fall asleep, I was just supposed to be loopy and awake. Alex stood beside me as I clumsily got dressed. Before we left the office the Receptionist handed me a copy of my colonoscopy results. My stomach was starting to cramp so I didn't stop to read right then, but I looked at it as we walked to Alex's car. 

    The results said very plainly that I had a 'tortuous colon'. I stopped on the sidewalk and made Alex read it.

     " How is my colon tortured? I only thought my childhood was tortured," I asked Alex as he read it to himself.

      He handed it back to me, took out his iPhone and quickly pulled up his dictionary app. "Look," he passed me the phone, " your colon isn't tortured,  It's a completely different word. See, there's no second 'R'. It means 'having excessive twists, bends, or turns'."

     It turns out that a 'tortuous colon' is simply one that is longer than normal with at least one or two extra twists.

   

My dear friend Graham explained it in even more simple terms by comparing my colon to the scariest ride at WaterWorld called 'THE TORNADO '

   When your colon has these extra twists and turns, expelling all the pumped-in air from a colonoscopy is much more difficult and causes extreme cramping. Because I was knocked out and didn't fart enough like the nurse told me to during the colonoscopy, almost all the air was still inside me after it was done. I ended up having terrible cramps for 5 hours, until I was able to start farting. I never thought I would welcome farts so wholeheartedly, and consider each one a kind friend.

"Mommy, Mommy! Timmy is lost inside!"

    If something has to be misshapen about me, at least it's on the inside. The good news is that a tortuous colon is not an indicator or symptom of any serious health concern. I'm happy to report that Dr. Hobbs said I have nothing to worry about. There was no sign of polyps, cancer, or Timmy.