I know, I know. Every young gay son starts out thinking his mother is the most attractive and the smartest out of all the mothers in the neighborhood until he realizes she's not. In my case, it was clear early on that my mother, Priscilla, was no Madame Curie. She wasn't good at helping me with book reports and math made her cry. But it was also clear to me that my mother was definitely more attractive than all the other mothers, even the ones with smaller noses. I knew this was true because of all the attention she got, especially from men, whenever she entered a room.
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| OK, everyone calm down. The leopard was placed on The Endangered Species List in 1972 and this photo, of my mother wearing one of her coats from my father's second- hand fur store, was taken in the early 60's. After she realized wearing it would be illegal, she did what any law-abiding citizen would do - -she had a big chair and a footstool in our livingroom reupholstered with it. I must admit she does look fabulous . . |
After my parents divorced and my brother Mitchell, my sister Missy, and I had all moved out of the house, my mother had actually became a MILF for a few of Mitchell's old high school friends. They would ring her doorbell late at night and leave with Pop-Tarts in the morning. This coincided with the period that my mother also became a MITS, which stands for Mother with Increased Tit Size.
She made a special trip into the city to show me her new boobs, and though it was almost 30 years ago, I unfortunately remember it clearly. If I close my eyes I can still see her boobs floating in front of me. They looked like two short bald men banging their heads together.
My first boyfriend, Scott, remembers my mother's boobs too. He was introduced to them at the same time he was first introduced to her. She came through the front door and immediately lifted her blouse in front of us. Her old bra was having just as hard a time containing the bigger boobs as my mother was having trying to contain her excitement.
" Aren't they great?" she asked Scott, who was staring wide-eyed at the two boobs like a deer in headlights. Poor Scott nodded, not knowing what else to do. He didn't want to seem rude by looking away so he kept looking at them.
" Ma, pull your shirt down!" I cringed, holding my hands up to block my view.
"Oh Gary, don't be embarrassed. I'm very proud of them," she said, pointing her boobs at me.
" I haven't even introduced you to Scott yet and you're already acting this way! This is exactly why I haven't let you meet him."
"Hello Scott, I'm Gary's mother Priscilla and these are my new tits, and we're all very happy to meet you," she turned back to Scott and said before lowering her blouse to hug him. " You should tell my son he ought to be more appreciative of how hard I try to look good for him. He hasn't even noticed what else is different, " she said, turning back to me.
I looked at her confused, not knowing what she was talking about. Then I saw it.
" Oh my God!" I gasped with my hands up to my mouth in shock." Your nose!" I'd been so distracted by her boob-job that I didn't notice she had a nose-job too.
I looked at her confused, not knowing what she was talking about. Then I saw it.
" Oh my God!" I gasped with my hands up to my mouth in shock." Your nose!" I'd been so distracted by her boob-job that I didn't notice she had a nose-job too.
"That's my other surprise," she said, stepping back from Scott to give me a better view of her smaller nose. " It took me 40 years but I finally did it. I think he did a great job. Didn't he, Pooh?"
I was absolutely stunned. Because of her, I grew up thinking that big noses were beautiful and having one made me more special. I had always respected how she never cared what some people said about the size of hers, and how she used it to her advantage.
"Ma, your nose was such a part of you. You made it work for you all these years. This is the one thing I never thought you would do, " I said with great disappointment.
" You don't understand certain things, Gary. You don't know what it feels like getting older. it gets harder to look as good. I needed a little help now, that's all this is."
" You know what you've done, Ma? You've betrayed all people with big noses. Especially Barbra."
"If I had her money, I wouldn't care how big my nose was either. Barbra Streisand doesn't need to find a man to help her. I have to. And speaking of that, you can blame your father for this." She turned back to Scott and continued." I'm sure you've met Bernie already. Gary likes to introduce him as his favorite parent now. He doesn't remember what a terrible father and husband he was in the past. Bernie is the one who always said my tits were too small and my nose was too big. Like he's one to talk with a penis like his. It's funny how someone can be such a big prick and have such a small one," she smirked.
My mother always did her best to degrade my father in front of anyone, even someone she was meeting for the first time. Nothing was ever too personal for her to say, especially if it made my father look bad. I grew up hearing how small my father's penis was, and so did the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. She would drive around Great Neck in our Cadillac yelling out the window, "Bernie Glassman has a small prick!" while Mitchell, Missy and I sat in the backseat. It felt like we were in one of those cars that drive from block to block on Election Day blaring a candidate's name over and over. Sometimes she would even yell it from the passenger window while my father was driving. All he could do was smile and wave out his window like he was the candidate.
"Now Scott knows how small Dad's penis is and how big your breasts are. Is there anything else you would like him to know before you leave? " I crossed my arms and asked her.
"Yes, one more thing," my mother said, turning back to Scott. "Bernie's mother Sally has cobwebs in her cunt." With that said, she told Scott how nice it was to meet and gave him a kiss good-bye.
*
By now, my mother's new boobs would be considered old new boobs. But because she had them lifted again, they can technically be considered new new boobs. No one knows exactly what other plastic surgery she has had done, nor how much money she has spent on it. Her hair weaves alone must cost more than what my father paid her in alimony for the past 25 years.
Priscilla has a unique power to stay remarkably the same. She has managed decade after decade to remain strangely unchanged, both emotionally and physically. Women her age keep growing old around her, which she doesn't particularly feel the necessity to do. She is as original and as creative and as crazy as ever. Hopefully, I've inherited more of her bone structure than her insanity.
I was absolutely stunned. Because of her, I grew up thinking that big noses were beautiful and having one made me more special. I had always respected how she never cared what some people said about the size of hers, and how she used it to her advantage.
"Ma, your nose was such a part of you. You made it work for you all these years. This is the one thing I never thought you would do, " I said with great disappointment.
" You don't understand certain things, Gary. You don't know what it feels like getting older. it gets harder to look as good. I needed a little help now, that's all this is."
" You know what you've done, Ma? You've betrayed all people with big noses. Especially Barbra."
"If I had her money, I wouldn't care how big my nose was either. Barbra Streisand doesn't need to find a man to help her. I have to. And speaking of that, you can blame your father for this." She turned back to Scott and continued." I'm sure you've met Bernie already. Gary likes to introduce him as his favorite parent now. He doesn't remember what a terrible father and husband he was in the past. Bernie is the one who always said my tits were too small and my nose was too big. Like he's one to talk with a penis like his. It's funny how someone can be such a big prick and have such a small one," she smirked.
My mother always did her best to degrade my father in front of anyone, even someone she was meeting for the first time. Nothing was ever too personal for her to say, especially if it made my father look bad. I grew up hearing how small my father's penis was, and so did the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. She would drive around Great Neck in our Cadillac yelling out the window, "Bernie Glassman has a small prick!" while Mitchell, Missy and I sat in the backseat. It felt like we were in one of those cars that drive from block to block on Election Day blaring a candidate's name over and over. Sometimes she would even yell it from the passenger window while my father was driving. All he could do was smile and wave out his window like he was the candidate.
"Now Scott knows how small Dad's penis is and how big your breasts are. Is there anything else you would like him to know before you leave? " I crossed my arms and asked her.
"Yes, one more thing," my mother said, turning back to Scott. "Bernie's mother Sally has cobwebs in her cunt." With that said, she told Scott how nice it was to meet and gave him a kiss good-bye.
*
By now, my mother's new boobs would be considered old new boobs. But because she had them lifted again, they can technically be considered new new boobs. No one knows exactly what other plastic surgery she has had done, nor how much money she has spent on it. Her hair weaves alone must cost more than what my father paid her in alimony for the past 25 years.
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| PRISCILLA WITH HER OLD NEW BOOBS. |
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| PRISCILLA AT 71 YEARS OLD WITH HER NEW NEW BOOBS |
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| AT 73. GO PRIS! |
