It's only fair that my host, Michael V, have the chance to recall his memories of my trip...
LIST OF 10 THINGS I CAN'T FORGET
(or WHY I WOULD KILL MYSELF IF GARY COMES BACK TO AUSTRALIA )
1. Gary's towel falling down to my friends' horror in their first meeting
within an hour after his arrival in Sydney. I had specifically asked him
not to embarrass me.*
2. Taking the photo of my ass at The Harbor Party, once again
embarrassing me in the glamour set.
3. Gary falling asleep (passing out) at the most inappropriate times,
causing me more embarrassment.
4. Gary fucking all my friends, or at least asking them to
show their asses, almost causing me social ruin.
5. Not getting even one of the "supposed" fancy dinners he promised me.**
6. Overcooking a piece of some kind of white fish with freezer burn and serving it over clumpy white rice. A colorless smorgesbord of blandness that looked and tasted like dirty snow.
7. Gary's ever present ability to turn any situation into "his" situation.
The discussions, the analysis, the coversations...the exhaustion!
8. Gary 'watching me', correction, I meant to write 'stalking me', in my own apartment.
9. He leaving more crumbs on my carpeting than Hansel and Gretal.
10. Making my week wonderful & full of fun and love. Michael V
xxxxoooo
* To clarify number 1, Michael's friends had arrived early and I had just gotten out of the shower. I quickly put on a jock and wrapped a towel around myself so I could come out and say hi.
When Michael saw me, he yelled " Gary! I told you never to have a towel on
in front of my guests!"
"I'm sorry, I forgot. No towel, " I said, ripping off my towel and standing in front of his friends only wearing my jock. "I'll never wear a towel in front of guests again."
** To clarify number 5, Michael was on his conference calls almost every weeknight, and on both The Harbor Party and Mardi Gras weekends, we forgot what 'dinner' even meant. Anyway, Michael eats as healthy and regimented as an Astronaut. He takes all the fun out of eating. The only thing he has at night is compressed tofu patties. He keeps no food at home so I had to do food shopping everyday at the Duffy's, the most expensive and gayest supermarket in the world, where mixed salad greens were $16 per pound.
I'll be happy to take him out for a fancy meal when he comes here on a business trip two weeks from now. Deal?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
gary glassMANLY --- Australia part 3
Unfortunately, I was too busy moving washing machines, making calls, waiting for phones and computers to re-charge, writing my blog and having sex with Michael's friends to possibly do any sightseeing. I was having a great time without venturing out much, but everyone seemed to be worried that I wasn't seeing enough of Sydney. Personally, indoor sightseeing is just as interesting to me. Eating out of someone's refrigerator, food shopping at the local Supermarket, having sex with someone's friends and neighbors and seeing their apartments, hearing someone's conversations with family and with people from work, meeting shopkeepers, having conversations with cab drivers, reading a newspaper or two and listening to the radio a little can tell you plenty about a country and it's culture.
I have known Michael V for 16 years but this is the first time we are actually boyfriend-free at the same time. I am witnessing Michael Untethered, alone for the first time in 14 years, able to do whatever he wants, and live wherever and however he wants. Lucky for me that the 'wherever' is in a very modern two bedroom apartment complete with a furnished guest bedroom at gay ground zero in Surry Hills. This trip to Australia gave me the chance to see Michael at all different times of the day and learn his habits and routines. It was my version of bird watching, only I didn't have to go to the Australian bush. I could just hang around the apartment and watch Michael, who was louder and fancier than the Cockatoo or any other bird in the wild.
One of the most fascinating and foreign things to me that I witnessed a few times was the nightly ritual of the conference call. Very few people ever witnessed Michael on one of these calls, so I felt privileged to experience it. I would sit across the dining room table from him writing my blog on one of his laptops as he sat facing my direction with his other laptop he used for work. The calls didn't include a web cam hook-up so he could wear his gym shorts and tank top as he talked into his cellphone on the table switched to 'speaker phone' mode. Michael led each call, orchestrating with perfect ease whichever three or four HR employees he wanted to talk to. He asked questions and then listened to thei responses, chiming in when he felt it necessary.
I always tried to stay very quiet when he switched on his speaker to comment to the group. I didn't want to ruffle any of his feathers when he was busy like this, or do anything else during these calls that would cause him to peck my eyes out. Occasionally, he would look at me and smile, and other times he would pass me notes that said things like 'if you don't stop watching me I'm going to bash your head against that marble countertop.'
Ever since I met Michael, I've wondered how a man who behaves like a high school girl is able to climb so high up the corporate ladder. Hearing him so skillfully juggle several employees as he comes up with answers or solutions on the spot to every question or problem thrown at him, I see why he's paid so well. He speaks in a way that commands respect but still manages to be playful and even bitchy when he wants to.
This is what makes Michael V such a unique person. He is in touch with his goodness and with his badness, and is happy to unleash both of these parts of himself out into the world without hardly any restrictions. He doesn't favor one part over the other, and never apologizes for the behavior of either of the two. He is not embarrassed to let both show, and really doesn't care if anyone is offended by them. He brilliantly blends the confident, assertive, shrewd business man he needs to be with that silly, sexy, stupidly generous and shamelessly shallow high school girl he wants to be. This cocktail of charecteristics makes him into what can only be described as a cross between Rupert Murdoch and Marilyn Monroe.
Getting the opportunity to witness Michael V in his natural habitat was a rare treat. I really didn't have to do anything else in Australia to consider it a successful trip. Michael thought otherwise.
" I didn't spend all that money flying you here and on that expensive camera for your birthday so you could take a picture of my ass blocking The Opera House at the Harbor Party", he said as he turned and walked into my bedroom and came back with the camera he bought me. "Here," he said, putting the camera in my hand. "You've got one day left before all the Mardi Gras parties start. Go and see Sydney. And I want proof. Bring me back a photo of The Opera House and of Manly Beach and of three other interesting things." He held up my keys to his apartment that he must have grabbed when he got the camera off the dresser in my room. " I leave here for work in 25 minutes. That's the amount of time you have to get yourself ready to spend the entire day out seeing the city. The door locks behind us at 9 A.M. and doesn't open again until I got home at 6 P.M." He dangled my keys in front of me then put them in his pocket. "Better start getting ready, darling."
As an extra punishment for starting my sightseeing so late in the trip, God sent down rain just to make my task more challenging. Luckily my friend Michael P gave me simple directions to get me from Michael V's building to Sydney Harbor. The wet trek was basically in a straight line, which meant it was almost impossible for me to get lost. I walked through Hyde Park and onto the beginning of Macquarie Street, where the original prison stands that was used for the British convicts shipped off to Australia, called the Hyde Park Barracks. A lot of historical sites are on Macquarie Street making it perfect for my high speed whirlwind tour as I headed towards the Harbor. Along the way, I saw the first Mint building and went into Sydney Hospital that looks more like a museum. Then I went into the Royal Botanical Gardens where I stood in the rain and took pictures as proof that I was actually there.
The Royal (And Wet) Botanic Gardens
I continued my pilgrimage until I saw the top of The Opera House. It reminded me of when my ex Alex and I walked 5 kilometers at 3:00 AM in Paris to reach The Eiffel Tower, and how exciting it was to first spot it in the distance. I was proud that I found The Opera House by myself, though in all honesty, the route is so simple that Helen Keller could have tracked it down.
What surprised me immediately is that The Opera House is actually three separate buildings right next to each other, which isn't overly obvious in many of the pictures I've seen. They actually look like a mother dinosaur and her two children sleeping on their stomachs sunning themselves.
Michael didn't say which part of the Opera House I should take a picture of, so I went inside to the lower level and took these shots of the mens bathroom. I liked how the the curves of the stalls and of the long singular sink play off the shapes of the huge curved domes of the buildings.
I did take one shot of the Opera House from the deck of the ferry as we pulled away from the dock ( I tend to be drawn to the backsides of things).
It was pouring 20 minutes later when I reached Manly Wharf. There was no beach in sight, so I had to ask for directions. Already looking crazy walking around in the pouring rain, I frightened two separate people by stuttering on the word 'Manly', as I do quite often with m's. One of them got so scared that she just pointed in the direction as she hurried away. I had to ask a third time in a gas station before I finally knew where to go.
The beach was on the other side of the island from where Manly Wharf was. I started walking with my hat and headphones on and didn't stop until I found it an hour later. I crossed the last street and climbed down the wet sand covered steps onto the beach. I couldn't believe I was the only one there! What happened to the famous Manly Beach with all it's manly men? If they were really manly, they would be at the beach in the rain. That's what a manly man like me does. I mean a manly retarded man, which was what I must have looked like to anyone passing in their cars watching me taking pictures of myself on the beach in the rain.
MANLESS BEACH
I have known Michael V for 16 years but this is the first time we are actually boyfriend-free at the same time. I am witnessing Michael Untethered, alone for the first time in 14 years, able to do whatever he wants, and live wherever and however he wants. Lucky for me that the 'wherever' is in a very modern two bedroom apartment complete with a furnished guest bedroom at gay ground zero in Surry Hills. This trip to Australia gave me the chance to see Michael at all different times of the day and learn his habits and routines. It was my version of bird watching, only I didn't have to go to the Australian bush. I could just hang around the apartment and watch Michael, who was louder and fancier than the Cockatoo or any other bird in the wild.
One of the most fascinating and foreign things to me that I witnessed a few times was the nightly ritual of the conference call. Very few people ever witnessed Michael on one of these calls, so I felt privileged to experience it. I would sit across the dining room table from him writing my blog on one of his laptops as he sat facing my direction with his other laptop he used for work. The calls didn't include a web cam hook-up so he could wear his gym shorts and tank top as he talked into his cellphone on the table switched to 'speaker phone' mode. Michael led each call, orchestrating with perfect ease whichever three or four HR employees he wanted to talk to. He asked questions and then listened to thei responses, chiming in when he felt it necessary.
I always tried to stay very quiet when he switched on his speaker to comment to the group. I didn't want to ruffle any of his feathers when he was busy like this, or do anything else during these calls that would cause him to peck my eyes out. Occasionally, he would look at me and smile, and other times he would pass me notes that said things like 'if you don't stop watching me I'm going to bash your head against that marble countertop.'
Ever since I met Michael, I've wondered how a man who behaves like a high school girl is able to climb so high up the corporate ladder. Hearing him so skillfully juggle several employees as he comes up with answers or solutions on the spot to every question or problem thrown at him, I see why he's paid so well. He speaks in a way that commands respect but still manages to be playful and even bitchy when he wants to.
This is what makes Michael V such a unique person. He is in touch with his goodness and with his badness, and is happy to unleash both of these parts of himself out into the world without hardly any restrictions. He doesn't favor one part over the other, and never apologizes for the behavior of either of the two. He is not embarrassed to let both show, and really doesn't care if anyone is offended by them. He brilliantly blends the confident, assertive, shrewd business man he needs to be with that silly, sexy, stupidly generous and shamelessly shallow high school girl he wants to be. This cocktail of charecteristics makes him into what can only be described as a cross between Rupert Murdoch and Marilyn Monroe.
Getting the opportunity to witness Michael V in his natural habitat was a rare treat. I really didn't have to do anything else in Australia to consider it a successful trip. Michael thought otherwise.
" I didn't spend all that money flying you here and on that expensive camera for your birthday so you could take a picture of my ass blocking The Opera House at the Harbor Party", he said as he turned and walked into my bedroom and came back with the camera he bought me. "Here," he said, putting the camera in my hand. "You've got one day left before all the Mardi Gras parties start. Go and see Sydney. And I want proof. Bring me back a photo of The Opera House and of Manly Beach and of three other interesting things." He held up my keys to his apartment that he must have grabbed when he got the camera off the dresser in my room. " I leave here for work in 25 minutes. That's the amount of time you have to get yourself ready to spend the entire day out seeing the city. The door locks behind us at 9 A.M. and doesn't open again until I got home at 6 P.M." He dangled my keys in front of me then put them in his pocket. "Better start getting ready, darling."
As an extra punishment for starting my sightseeing so late in the trip, God sent down rain just to make my task more challenging. Luckily my friend Michael P gave me simple directions to get me from Michael V's building to Sydney Harbor. The wet trek was basically in a straight line, which meant it was almost impossible for me to get lost. I walked through Hyde Park and onto the beginning of Macquarie Street, where the original prison stands that was used for the British convicts shipped off to Australia, called the Hyde Park Barracks. A lot of historical sites are on Macquarie Street making it perfect for my high speed whirlwind tour as I headed towards the Harbor. Along the way, I saw the first Mint building and went into Sydney Hospital that looks more like a museum. Then I went into the Royal Botanical Gardens where I stood in the rain and took pictures as proof that I was actually there.
 |
| Sydney Hospital dates back to late 1800's. |
The Royal (And Wet) Botanic Gardens
 | |||||
| I considered this fabulous woman in her eighties named Trish to be one of the most interesting sights of the day. |
What surprised me immediately is that The Opera House is actually three separate buildings right next to each other, which isn't overly obvious in many of the pictures I've seen. They actually look like a mother dinosaur and her two children sleeping on their stomachs sunning themselves.
Michael didn't say which part of the Opera House I should take a picture of, so I went inside to the lower level and took these shots of the mens bathroom. I liked how the the curves of the stalls and of the long singular sink play off the shapes of the huge curved domes of the buildings.
 |
| I made sure no feet were showing |
 |
| I waited until no one needed it |
I did take one shot of the Opera House from the deck of the ferry as we pulled away from the dock ( I tend to be drawn to the backsides of things).
. | |
 | |
| These bonnets were the inspiration for the design of the Opera House roofs. |
It was pouring 20 minutes later when I reached Manly Wharf. There was no beach in sight, so I had to ask for directions. Already looking crazy walking around in the pouring rain, I frightened two separate people by stuttering on the word 'Manly', as I do quite often with m's. One of them got so scared that she just pointed in the direction as she hurried away. I had to ask a third time in a gas station before I finally knew where to go.
The beach was on the other side of the island from where Manly Wharf was. I started walking with my hat and headphones on and didn't stop until I found it an hour later. I crossed the last street and climbed down the wet sand covered steps onto the beach. I couldn't believe I was the only one there! What happened to the famous Manly Beach with all it's manly men? If they were really manly, they would be at the beach in the rain. That's what a manly man like me does. I mean a manly retarded man, which was what I must have looked like to anyone passing in their cars watching me taking pictures of myself on the beach in the rain.
 |
| I took a shot of my arm just to show how wet I was |
Sunday, March 4, 2012
THE RETARDED TOURIST ----- Australia part 2 of 3
When I told my ex Grant that I was traveling to Australia he immediately asked if I was going to The Great Barrier Reef. He assumed I was planning on it because, as I realized after ten other people asked me the same question, a person would have to be retarded to fly half way around the world and not see the world's biggest and most beautiful coral reef. Even the woman from Bank of America who I spoke with over the phone to verify I would be using my debit in Australia told me she snorkeled in the Great Barrier Reef and that it was 'must-do for anyone who lives on this planet'. Grant couldn't believe I was not going to try to take in as much of Australia's natural beauty as possible, something he and his boyfriend Mark, being consummate outdoors men, would naturally do.
Even in the most urban environments, Grant and Mark search for pockets of natural beauty.When they went to New York last year they rented bicycles and for two weeks rode around every part of the city, even on the bridges. In 14 days Grant learned more about New York than I ever did in the 35 years I lived there. No doubt they would do the same Down Under, driving and pedaling and rowing and climbing and backpacking and swimming all over Australia. This rugged country is the perfect place for people with adventurous spirits like them, where staying inside on a vacation is a punishment.
I felt as if I had already failed as a tourist even before my plane landed in Sydney. In all honesty, I am embarrassed of my apathy about all the outdoor sight-seeing that is such an integral part of visiting Australia. Have I gone half way around the world just to see Sydney's gay version of Mardi Gras? Michael V better take some of the blame for this. Did he mention the Great Barrier Reef to me one time? No, the closest thing he's mentioned is the Great Bare-ass Briefs he bought for an Underwear Party.
The first thing I did after unpacking my suitcase at Michael's was to ask him what bus or ferry I would take to get to The Great Barrier Reef. " Maybe I could go to it for an afternoon while you're at work."
"Have you even looked at a map of Australia before coming here? It might be an island but it's also a continent. You just can't pop! over to the Great Barrier Reef, he explained, gesturing his arms like Endora. " It's four hours away and takes two planes to get there. It's like being in New York and saying 'I think I'll drop by Disneyworld'."
"Really?" I said almost joyfully. " That means at this point even if I wanted to go, it would be almost impossible to plan out everything it would take to get there. I would say that falls under the category of circumstances out of my control. Now I have the perfect excuse for not seeing it." I fell back onto his bed and let out a big sigh of relief. "You won't believe how many people made me promise to see it before I left here. Of course no one seemed to care if I get eaten by a Great White after I cut myself on the coral. I haven't felt such pressure to do outdoors activity since I was ten in sleep-away camp when they forced me to play baseball."
" If you want to impress everyone with your athleticism you can try the Sydney Harbor Bridge climb. It's the new thing to do. But let's get one thing clear right now--if you fall into the harbor you're staying there. It will be a burial at sea. I'll tell everyone in San Fran that's how you wanted it," he nodded somberly with a mournful face and his hand on his chest.
" Climbing a bridge actually sounds like something I would enjoy."
" Of course you would, darling. All apes love to climb. That reminds me," he added, pointing a shoe tree at me. " We need bananas for breakfast. We're going to need some healthy food for our recovery after the Harbor Dance tonight."
The bananas we bought turned out to be the only nourishment, along with yogurt and Gatorade, that I put into my body for an entire day after the Harbor Dance. I was pretty wiped-out for the next day also, suffering from jet lag plus Gay Circuit Party lag
which can be more exhausting than a 14 hour airplane flight.
By Tuesday though, I was ready to face Sydney again. The first thing I did was, of course, go to the gym that Michael bought me a week's membership. Going to the gym on your vacation might seem like a strange concept to some people but it is something I've always done. It's essentially going to a completely different place but doing exactly the same thing, only around people with an accent.
It has always been my way of rebooting myself emotionally and to get things moving again. It's also something I do that is highly active and good for my body. For myself, I define activity in terms of what I do indoors, not what I do out of the gym. Doing cardio on a machine with my headphones as I'm looking out the window is my way of engaging with the environment. The closest thing to outdoor activity I get is walking stroke, spinal and brain injured patients around the hospital sidewalks during the community reintegration part of their rehab program. Taking into account the amount of time I do spend exercising inside, you can even say I'm much more active than most people. The only difference is that my activity doesn't involve fresh air or catching any kind of ball. The only thing I can catch is the occasional STD from someone I meet at the gym.
With all of this said, I still knew I had to start doing something outdoorsy that Australia was known for. I kept hearing Grant's voice repeating 'Great Barrier Reef, Great Barrier Reef...' over and over in my head. If I wasn't going to swim in the reef at least I would climb a bridge. But then I found out it cost three hundred dollars and took a whole day of training, and according to Michael's newly ex-boyfriend, Lee, who did it, the actual climb was painfully slow and boring because of out of shape people in the climbing group he got stuck with, and that it needed to be booked weeks in advance, especially right before Mardi Gras.
With my bridge plan thwarted, I was back to square one on my desperate search to prove that my trip to Australia was not just one big gay Circuit Party event. I was determined to swim in or hike to or climb up something in Sydney. So far, the only thing that comes close is helping my dear friends Ron T and Michael P who live here carry an old washing machine down their warm staircase to the sidewalk and carry up a new one. At least I can say I was somewhere that made me sweat and take my shirt off with Australians besides a dance floor.
Even in the most urban environments, Grant and Mark search for pockets of natural beauty.When they went to New York last year they rented bicycles and for two weeks rode around every part of the city, even on the bridges. In 14 days Grant learned more about New York than I ever did in the 35 years I lived there. No doubt they would do the same Down Under, driving and pedaling and rowing and climbing and backpacking and swimming all over Australia. This rugged country is the perfect place for people with adventurous spirits like them, where staying inside on a vacation is a punishment.
I felt as if I had already failed as a tourist even before my plane landed in Sydney. In all honesty, I am embarrassed of my apathy about all the outdoor sight-seeing that is such an integral part of visiting Australia. Have I gone half way around the world just to see Sydney's gay version of Mardi Gras? Michael V better take some of the blame for this. Did he mention the Great Barrier Reef to me one time? No, the closest thing he's mentioned is the Great Bare-ass Briefs he bought for an Underwear Party.
The first thing I did after unpacking my suitcase at Michael's was to ask him what bus or ferry I would take to get to The Great Barrier Reef. " Maybe I could go to it for an afternoon while you're at work."
"Have you even looked at a map of Australia before coming here? It might be an island but it's also a continent. You just can't pop! over to the Great Barrier Reef, he explained, gesturing his arms like Endora. " It's four hours away and takes two planes to get there. It's like being in New York and saying 'I think I'll drop by Disneyworld'."
"Really?" I said almost joyfully. " That means at this point even if I wanted to go, it would be almost impossible to plan out everything it would take to get there. I would say that falls under the category of circumstances out of my control. Now I have the perfect excuse for not seeing it." I fell back onto his bed and let out a big sigh of relief. "You won't believe how many people made me promise to see it before I left here. Of course no one seemed to care if I get eaten by a Great White after I cut myself on the coral. I haven't felt such pressure to do outdoors activity since I was ten in sleep-away camp when they forced me to play baseball."
" If you want to impress everyone with your athleticism you can try the Sydney Harbor Bridge climb. It's the new thing to do. But let's get one thing clear right now--if you fall into the harbor you're staying there. It will be a burial at sea. I'll tell everyone in San Fran that's how you wanted it," he nodded somberly with a mournful face and his hand on his chest.
" Climbing a bridge actually sounds like something I would enjoy."
" Of course you would, darling. All apes love to climb. That reminds me," he added, pointing a shoe tree at me. " We need bananas for breakfast. We're going to need some healthy food for our recovery after the Harbor Dance tonight."
The bananas we bought turned out to be the only nourishment, along with yogurt and Gatorade, that I put into my body for an entire day after the Harbor Dance. I was pretty wiped-out for the next day also, suffering from jet lag plus Gay Circuit Party lag
which can be more exhausting than a 14 hour airplane flight.
By Tuesday though, I was ready to face Sydney again. The first thing I did was, of course, go to the gym that Michael bought me a week's membership. Going to the gym on your vacation might seem like a strange concept to some people but it is something I've always done. It's essentially going to a completely different place but doing exactly the same thing, only around people with an accent.
It has always been my way of rebooting myself emotionally and to get things moving again. It's also something I do that is highly active and good for my body. For myself, I define activity in terms of what I do indoors, not what I do out of the gym. Doing cardio on a machine with my headphones as I'm looking out the window is my way of engaging with the environment. The closest thing to outdoor activity I get is walking stroke, spinal and brain injured patients around the hospital sidewalks during the community reintegration part of their rehab program. Taking into account the amount of time I do spend exercising inside, you can even say I'm much more active than most people. The only difference is that my activity doesn't involve fresh air or catching any kind of ball. The only thing I can catch is the occasional STD from someone I meet at the gym.
With all of this said, I still knew I had to start doing something outdoorsy that Australia was known for. I kept hearing Grant's voice repeating 'Great Barrier Reef, Great Barrier Reef...' over and over in my head. If I wasn't going to swim in the reef at least I would climb a bridge. But then I found out it cost three hundred dollars and took a whole day of training, and according to Michael's newly ex-boyfriend, Lee, who did it, the actual climb was painfully slow and boring because of out of shape people in the climbing group he got stuck with, and that it needed to be booked weeks in advance, especially right before Mardi Gras.
With my bridge plan thwarted, I was back to square one on my desperate search to prove that my trip to Australia was not just one big gay Circuit Party event. I was determined to swim in or hike to or climb up something in Sydney. So far, the only thing that comes close is helping my dear friends Ron T and Michael P who live here carry an old washing machine down their warm staircase to the sidewalk and carry up a new one. At least I can say I was somewhere that made me sweat and take my shirt off with Australians besides a dance floor.
Monday, February 27, 2012
DOWN UNDER...the harbor ----- Australia part 1
No one comes to mind more than my dear, dear, dear Australian friend, Michael V. He is grossly over-paid and strangely under-wrinkled. He has a very senior position in Human Resources for a huge company and is responsible for occasionally hiring but mostly firing people, a job perfectly suited for someone as proudly vile and contemptuous as him. I've been anxiously waiting for him to age but he’s had the same baby face for 15 years. Last time he visited San Fran I still had a gray beard and he made sure to point out my aging.
"Thank you for getting old enough for the both of us, darling. It's very thoughtful of you," he pecked my cheek and patted my back." It's amazing how every time I see you Gary, you get older, and grayer, and balder, and poorer, and I think even shorter."
" I don't understand. How do you look the same year after year? What are you having done?"
" Everything you can't afford."
" You can't keep it up forever"
" As long as there's white rhino horns and blue whale blubber left in the world I can."
---from PORTRAIT OF DORIAN BROWN part 2, 3/27/11
The airplane I'm on heading towards Australia has just taken off, so there's no turning back. My dear, dear, dear friend Michael V has paid for my entire round trip flight and has also completely furnished the second bedroom of his new swinging singles pad only a week after he signed the lease just so I would have a comfortable room for myself. I consider this an amazing gift. I also consider it the prize for surviving as the victim of his brutal humor longer than any other human being. My only real competition was a friend of his named Trevor, another person Michael loved to make fun of. Unfortunately Trevor died very unexpectedly last year, strangely enough, from causes unrelated to Michael.
The same thing can't be said about another coincidentally deceased friend of Michael's named Paul. Paul was a fellow Australian who rented a room in Michael's apartment back when he lived in San Francisco. He was a tall, blond trainer at Gold's Gym who just happened to be a little overweight and was havng a difficult time getting new clientele.
"Paul, it's simple. No more biscuits and milkshakes everynight. If you want to increase your business, you first have to decrease your waistline." Michael burrowed his way into Paul's mind like Hannibal Lecter until he convinced Paul to have liposuction. Paul had the procedure and, to the total shock of everyone, died of complications from the surgery a few days after. At Paul's funeral all eyes were on Michael as if he was a murderer.
" It wasn't my fault. He asked me if I thought he was fat. Was I supposed to lie?' Michael tried defending himself to his accusers. " I was just giving him advice. It was part of his business plan." We got out of the funeral parlor just in time, right before Paul's mother arrived. " I can't believe Paul did this to me! Next time I'm accused of killing someone, I'm coming in disguise. Something with a black veil," he said as we hurried to his car.
With Trevor and Paul both dead, I am the last of his favorite targets still standing. I'm also one of his favorite people in the world, and he is one of mine. I realize as I'm writing about Michael I should try to make you also see his good qualities, which he usually hides for entertainment sake. He is so much more than the vile person he claims to be. First of all, he votes much more liberally than he makes people believe. He is also one of the most loyal and dependable friends I've ever had, and is one of the two most generous people I know ( My ex Alex being the other). He doesn't care about getting gifts in return as much as he values kind gestures that show extra effort. Michael has always been hard-working and full of energy, and is annoyed that he has to waste time sleeping. Michael is also fearlessly outspoken and lies much less than other people. He is astute and perceptive, and is level-headed when giving advice to others and making decisions for himself. He is a man of his word and tries to be as fair as possible when he makes any kind of deal( Just don't ever try to get the upperhand on him. You'll regret it). Above all, Michael V is hilarious. He makes everyone in a room laugh even if they don't want to. He skewers himself just as much as he makes fun of other people, and is comfortable enough to sometimes be as queenie and outragious as everyone hopes he'll be.
To downplay his own kindness, Michael has been trying to convince me that the reason why he is flying me half way around the world is to see how much more I've aged in a year, and to laugh at how much older I'm going to look than all the Aussie boys at the events he's taking me to for Sydney's gay version of Mardi Gras.
" Mirror, mirror on the wall,
will Gary be the oldest at the Ball? "
" Yes, my queen, that is true, but Gary will still find a date faster than you"
" We already have tickets for The Harbor Dance for when you arrive. You'll surely to be the oldest and hairiest man there. It's the most superficial, young, beautiful group of bitches I've ever seen. They make me sound like Mary Poppins. Wait to see how they run screaming from you. They'll jump in the harbor just to get away," he cackled over the phone a few days ago.
" Michael, there's always guys who love my type. And there is no one who does the bald and hairy thing better than me. I stand alone," I told him with my unflappable confidence that always eggs him on.
" Oh believe me, you will stand alone. ALL alone."
We both laughed and described how we each envisioned The Harbor Dance. His vision was, of course, more brutal.
" I better doublecheck to see if 'the handicapped' are even allowed in. I saw a group of gorgeous boys with their shirts off push a man in a wheelchair right into the harbor last year. Thank God you can hide your hideous handicap, at least until you open your mouth."
" Isn't it strange that both our handicaps are obvious when we open our mouths. Mine is my stutter and yours is your personalty. How do you plan on hiding that?"
" The only thing I'm planning on hiding is my wrinkles. A person is allowed to be a bitch at The Harbor Party, but not a wrinkled bitch. The problem is you're not even a bitch. You're just wrinkled. That has to be worse," Michael pointed out. " And just to be sure I look my youngest when I stand next to you, I've scheduled another Botox appointment for Friday before your arival."
" What happens if standing next to me actually makes you look older instead of younger, and we become 'those two old guys standing over there'? "
" Then I'll push you into the harbor faster than the guy in the wheelchair."
My 23 year old friend Zel, who for the past few months I've been playing 'Big Brother plus' with, has been hearing my wild Michael V stories and listening to Michael and I carry on over the phone as my departure date got closer. A few hours before I left for the airport, Zel insisted that I get extra travel insurance just incase something strange and unexpected happens while I'm with Michael. I let him sign me up for it just because his concern was so sincere and sexy.
I am now the proud holder of a $98 policy that covers me for emergency dental work up to $3000, emergency surgery up to $25,000, emergency medi-copter transport up to $100,000, including injury caused by a nuclear incident, a terrorist attack, or an act of God. Unfortunately there was no policy that covers me specifically against an act of Michael V, but I think I'll still be fine.
" I don't understand. How do you look the same year after year? What are you having done?"
" Everything you can't afford."
" You can't keep it up forever"
" As long as there's white rhino horns and blue whale blubber left in the world I can."
---from PORTRAIT OF DORIAN BROWN part 2, 3/27/11
The airplane I'm on heading towards Australia has just taken off, so there's no turning back. My dear, dear, dear friend Michael V has paid for my entire round trip flight and has also completely furnished the second bedroom of his new swinging singles pad only a week after he signed the lease just so I would have a comfortable room for myself. I consider this an amazing gift. I also consider it the prize for surviving as the victim of his brutal humor longer than any other human being. My only real competition was a friend of his named Trevor, another person Michael loved to make fun of. Unfortunately Trevor died very unexpectedly last year, strangely enough, from causes unrelated to Michael.
The same thing can't be said about another coincidentally deceased friend of Michael's named Paul. Paul was a fellow Australian who rented a room in Michael's apartment back when he lived in San Francisco. He was a tall, blond trainer at Gold's Gym who just happened to be a little overweight and was havng a difficult time getting new clientele.
"Paul, it's simple. No more biscuits and milkshakes everynight. If you want to increase your business, you first have to decrease your waistline." Michael burrowed his way into Paul's mind like Hannibal Lecter until he convinced Paul to have liposuction. Paul had the procedure and, to the total shock of everyone, died of complications from the surgery a few days after. At Paul's funeral all eyes were on Michael as if he was a murderer.
" It wasn't my fault. He asked me if I thought he was fat. Was I supposed to lie?' Michael tried defending himself to his accusers. " I was just giving him advice. It was part of his business plan." We got out of the funeral parlor just in time, right before Paul's mother arrived. " I can't believe Paul did this to me! Next time I'm accused of killing someone, I'm coming in disguise. Something with a black veil," he said as we hurried to his car.
With Trevor and Paul both dead, I am the last of his favorite targets still standing. I'm also one of his favorite people in the world, and he is one of mine. I realize as I'm writing about Michael I should try to make you also see his good qualities, which he usually hides for entertainment sake. He is so much more than the vile person he claims to be. First of all, he votes much more liberally than he makes people believe. He is also one of the most loyal and dependable friends I've ever had, and is one of the two most generous people I know ( My ex Alex being the other). He doesn't care about getting gifts in return as much as he values kind gestures that show extra effort. Michael has always been hard-working and full of energy, and is annoyed that he has to waste time sleeping. Michael is also fearlessly outspoken and lies much less than other people. He is astute and perceptive, and is level-headed when giving advice to others and making decisions for himself. He is a man of his word and tries to be as fair as possible when he makes any kind of deal( Just don't ever try to get the upperhand on him. You'll regret it). Above all, Michael V is hilarious. He makes everyone in a room laugh even if they don't want to. He skewers himself just as much as he makes fun of other people, and is comfortable enough to sometimes be as queenie and outragious as everyone hopes he'll be.
To downplay his own kindness, Michael has been trying to convince me that the reason why he is flying me half way around the world is to see how much more I've aged in a year, and to laugh at how much older I'm going to look than all the Aussie boys at the events he's taking me to for Sydney's gay version of Mardi Gras.
" Mirror, mirror on the wall,
will Gary be the oldest at the Ball? "
" Yes, my queen, that is true, but Gary will still find a date faster than you"" Michael, there's always guys who love my type. And there is no one who does the bald and hairy thing better than me. I stand alone," I told him with my unflappable confidence that always eggs him on.
" Oh believe me, you will stand alone. ALL alone."
We both laughed and described how we each envisioned The Harbor Dance. His vision was, of course, more brutal.
" I better doublecheck to see if 'the handicapped' are even allowed in. I saw a group of gorgeous boys with their shirts off push a man in a wheelchair right into the harbor last year. Thank God you can hide your hideous handicap, at least until you open your mouth."
" Isn't it strange that both our handicaps are obvious when we open our mouths. Mine is my stutter and yours is your personalty. How do you plan on hiding that?"
" The only thing I'm planning on hiding is my wrinkles. A person is allowed to be a bitch at The Harbor Party, but not a wrinkled bitch. The problem is you're not even a bitch. You're just wrinkled. That has to be worse," Michael pointed out. " And just to be sure I look my youngest when I stand next to you, I've scheduled another Botox appointment for Friday before your arival."
" What happens if standing next to me actually makes you look older instead of younger, and we become 'those two old guys standing over there'? "
" Then I'll push you into the harbor faster than the guy in the wheelchair."
My 23 year old friend Zel, who for the past few months I've been playing 'Big Brother plus' with, has been hearing my wild Michael V stories and listening to Michael and I carry on over the phone as my departure date got closer. A few hours before I left for the airport, Zel insisted that I get extra travel insurance just incase something strange and unexpected happens while I'm with Michael. I let him sign me up for it just because his concern was so sincere and sexy.
I am now the proud holder of a $98 policy that covers me for emergency dental work up to $3000, emergency surgery up to $25,000, emergency medi-copter transport up to $100,000, including injury caused by a nuclear incident, a terrorist attack, or an act of God. Unfortunately there was no policy that covers me specifically against an act of Michael V, but I think I'll still be fine.
Michael V's ass blocking the view of
The Sydney Opera House AND The Sydney Harbor Bridge
at the Harbor Dance
Friday, February 17, 2012
THE RISE AND FALL OF THE MIDDLE CHILD
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| My older brother Mitchell, my younger sister Missy, and me wearing a Thurston Howell III ascot. |
The middle child, which I proudly declare myself to be, began appearing in large numbers throughout The United States after WWII. Americans were fucking like crazy, especially Jews who were having sex more than anyone else, trying to make up for the 'recent dip' in numbers they had lost in Europe. All this sex paid off, and by 1959 the average (and loud) American household had 3.7 children.
But by the early 60's, the number of new babies slowed down. The birth control pill made its debut and became almost as popular as the Beatles. Also contributing to the slowdown was the fact that Jews finally started to trust that the Nazis might actually not be coming back again, which allowed them to relax a little and not frantically fuck to save their future. By 1965 when my baby sister, Missy, was born, the average number of children in U.S. households dropped to 2.6. That number has continued to drop every year since, and now stands at 1.8 children. 0.2 percent shy of having a second child who has all his body parts.
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| 2.6 CHILDREN |
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| 1.8 CHILDREN |
When I write about the middle child, I'm referring to the true middle, who only exists in a threesome. Technically, if there are four siblings, the second and third ones are in the middle. But a middle shared by two is overpopulated. They divide the position and diminish the impact their family has on them and that they have on their family. Also, a true middle can only be at most 3-4 years, preferably 1-2 years, apart from both the oldest and youngest. This way, the three can closely interact with each other and any adult who is helping to raise them. Only then can a middle child's personality take its full functioning form. And don't think for a minute that you can become a true middle by default. If the second child of that family of four teenage siblings has the bad luck of being crushed to death in her car by a gigantic display soccer ball, the third born does not automatically become a true middle.
The order changing later in life doesn't change how a child learned to deal with life. So it's impossible to all of the sudden turn yourself into a middle child. I realize that not too many siblings have fantasies about being the middle child, and there are probably not too many children who are hoping a sibling dies just so they can claim the middle thrown. Even at the height of our popularity when we were in almost every household, the middle child has always been considered by people who study the chronology of siblings to be ' the second-class citizen of the birth order'. The assumption made by some birth order experts is that the middle child suffers from a terrible identity crisis. This is based on the premise that being the first child and being the last child are the only viable two positions to hold. 'Middle' isn't even considered an actual position, it's more the lack of a position.
To make a comparison, all you have to do is think of New York as the first born and San Francisco as the last born, and what's left in between is the entirely-less-important 'middle of the country'. Pointing this out does not mean for a moment that I'm defending the middle states. With all the guns and bibles being stockpiled, they can surely, and unfortunately, defend themselves. I am, however, here to defend the word 'middle' and to help define its glory.
I will admit that the 'middle' can sometimes be a bad thing, like the middle of a brawl, the middle row of teeth on a shark, the middle of a quicksand pit, middle-school gym class, the Middle East, the middle seat during a car crash, the middle finger, middle-age onset dementia, middle-of-the -road, and the proverbial 'middle of nowhere'.
The word 'middle' is at its best when it is the connection between two hard- to-reach places, or people. Every bridge built and every road laid is the middle between two points, as are all the oceans and seas. It's what we have to travel through, over, on, or in to get where we want. And wherever the middle might be is always where two opposing sides demand to meet. It's the ethereal place where deals and compromises are made, a murky marshland that only the middle child has the tools to navigate. We can read signs and signals better than our siblings. We can also survive rough, lonely voyages if we have to. Though we really don't want to.
The identity crisis the middle child supposedly suffers is actually nothing more than the 'crisis' of having to create our own role in the family. Something that has already been long-defined for both the first-born and the last-born child. They have a specific place; we instead have a specific job. Parents don't quite know what to expect from a middle child, and have a more difficult time defining us in simple terms, especially if they are not middle children themselves. Figuring out the other two children takes much less thought and skill. We usually end up figuring out our role by ourselves without our families really ever understanding the complexity of the job we do. The other family members have only one role that they play over and over, like Carol Channing in Hello, Dolly! The middle child, on the other hand, is like an understudy who can jump from role to role. It keeps us fluid and in a constant state of adjusting ourselves when a situation calls for us to.
It sounds exhausting, but it's not if you are a middle child. Our need to connect is one of the driving forces of our lives, and the energy we have in reserve to do so is one of our greatest resources. Personally, I have put an amazing amount of energy into maintaining my connections. If the amount of energy I have spent just making sure my ex-boyfriends and I remain close could be converted into electricity, there would be enough to light up The Castro Theater for a year. I have spent my entire life making deals and striking bargains to give people what they've wanted and to get what I've needed, raising the act of compromise into an art form.
To me, and most other middles, coming to a compromise is a natural and simple act. One of the easiest things in life to do. For some people though, it's one of the hardest, and they see it as failing instead of succeeding. Hearing about the ongoing Israeli -Palestinian conflict and about the stonewalling stunts of the Republicans drives me particularly crazy as a middle child. It goes against the essence of who we are. Being unwilling to compromise on even a single detail or make trades for things you want or need is one of the most arrogant postures a person can take, especially for a politician who's personal life in all probably isn't even effected by the outcome. I seriously doubt that there have been a lot of middle children involved in the Peace Process over the past decade, and I wonder just how much more peace we could actually bring.
Being in the middle has always made me feel more special, not less. It has also made me feel safe and loved. And when I'm in the middle my gravitational pull is at its strongest. So be careful not to let me squeeze in between you and someone else, or you might end up being sucked into a world you can't get out of...
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| I was only 8 here but already my brother and sister didn't stand a chance. I stuck myself right in the middle with my striped pants and big crooked smile. My mother Priscilla was obviously trying to get better picture placement as well in that fabulous Ann-Margret outfit |
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| This was taken back in our twenties when Scott and I were breaking up and Pepe and I were starting to date. |
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| Even in group shots I managed to get close to middle. |
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| This shot from last year is my most recent 'middling' I could find. I promise I will stop thrusting myself into the center, at least in front of a camera. |
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
MUSHROOM MUG
Last year, my dermatologist made the big mistake of telling me that there is only a 2% chance of my precancerous Actinic Keratosis, or AKs, actually turning cancerous, and that he could freeze off the ones on my head. He should have lied and told me they were all melanomas, and that if I went to the tanning salon again I would end up with a hole in my skull the size of a moon crater. I'm sure he regrets showing me just how quickly and easily the freezing works. It is the perfect remedy for someone like me who has always believed more in damage-control than in prevention when dealing with skin issues. Simply put, " If those AKs start a showin', get that liquid nitrogen a flowin'."
While I was waiting for him in the exam room, I stretched out on the motorized examination table in my underwear and made myself comfortable, pressing the buttons on the hand control until the table looked like a lounge chair at a pool. For a joke, I got my sun glasses out of my jacket and turned on the bright circular examination light that looked like the sun, then positioned myself on the table to look like I was suntanning just as my dermatologist came into the room.
"Michael, this is better than a tanning booth," I said, looking up at him through the sunglasses without moving my arms or legs.
"This light won't tan you but it can probably blind you if you look at it too long," he laughed.
I sat up and took off my sunglasses. " You know me, I'll try to get a tan from any light bulb I can."
" I should just put your name on this bottle," he said, holding up his trusty, little blue canister of liquid nitrogen and shifting his focus to the top of my head. "Let's see the damage you keep on insisting to do to yourself." At 6' 4", Michael could have looked down at the top of my head even if I was standing.
"Before we start the cancer hunt, could you take a look at this redness in between my eyebrows and over here," I looked up and asked, pointing to the edges of both my nostrils and around my beard.
He put down the canister and sat on his stool so we could be eye-to-eye while he examined me.
As he assessed my face, I couldn't help assessing his. Besides being taller than me, he is also younger than me. There had been a time when I was younger than all the doctors I went to, but the scales started tipping around ten years ago, until I now I find myself being older than most of them. Michael's baby face makes it especially hard to figure out just how much younger than me he actually is. There's no denying the fact that, whatever his age, he protects his skin better than I do. I'd rather this be the case than having a dermatologist who didn't have healthier skin than me. It would be like going to a Speech Therapist who stutters worse than I do.
"This light won't tan you but it can probably blind you if you look at it too long," he laughed.
I sat up and took off my sunglasses. " You know me, I'll try to get a tan from any light bulb I can."
" I should just put your name on this bottle," he said, holding up his trusty, little blue canister of liquid nitrogen and shifting his focus to the top of my head. "Let's see the damage you keep on insisting to do to yourself." At 6' 4", Michael could have looked down at the top of my head even if I was standing.
"Before we start the cancer hunt, could you take a look at this redness in between my eyebrows and over here," I looked up and asked, pointing to the edges of both my nostrils and around my beard.
He put down the canister and sat on his stool so we could be eye-to-eye while he examined me.
As he assessed my face, I couldn't help assessing his. Besides being taller than me, he is also younger than me. There had been a time when I was younger than all the doctors I went to, but the scales started tipping around ten years ago, until I now I find myself being older than most of them. Michael's baby face makes it especially hard to figure out just how much younger than me he actually is. There's no denying the fact that, whatever his age, he protects his skin better than I do. I'd rather this be the case than having a dermatologist who didn't have healthier skin than me. It would be like going to a Speech Therapist who stutters worse than I do.
A dermatologist is a walking advertisement for himself, a book that always gets judged by it's cover. Most other kinds of doctors don't get judged by their appearance as severely. Dermatologists are the only doctors who aren't allowed to have a suntan. It's certainly frowned upon, and could cost them a few potential patients. People want their dermatologists to have good skin, and are generally put-off by ones who don't. And as Botox treatments become more and more the norm, patients will expect their dermatologists to be wrinkle-free. Soon, aging dermatologists aren't going to be allowed to wrinkle even if they want to.
Exactly how direct is the correlation between how much dermatologists are able to take care of their own skin and how much they will be able to help yours? To be fair, shouldn't we make the same correlation about other kinds of doctors, and demand to see their body parts? And maybe MRIs of their brain and organs too? Would it make a difference if you knew your cardiologist has a faulty heart, or your psychiatrist had a traumatic brain injury, or if your proctologist has an abnormally shaped asshole? Usually, we only learn these kind of things after they die, or, after we sleep with them.
Michael held my jaw and tilted my head side-to-side and up and down, then brushed my eyebrow hairs forward with his thumbs and parted the short hairs of my beard with his index fingers.
"You've got three conditions going on, but none of them look too bad. The flakiness is a little bit of psoriasis and the redness under it is probably a combination of seborrheic dermatitis and tinea faciei, which is just a fancy word for fungus," he explained as he went to the sink and washed his hands.
Exactly how direct is the correlation between how much dermatologists are able to take care of their own skin and how much they will be able to help yours? To be fair, shouldn't we make the same correlation about other kinds of doctors, and demand to see their body parts? And maybe MRIs of their brain and organs too? Would it make a difference if you knew your cardiologist has a faulty heart, or your psychiatrist had a traumatic brain injury, or if your proctologist has an abnormally shaped asshole? Usually, we only learn these kind of things after they die, or, after we sleep with them.
Michael held my jaw and tilted my head side-to-side and up and down, then brushed my eyebrow hairs forward with his thumbs and parted the short hairs of my beard with his index fingers.
"You've got three conditions going on, but none of them look too bad. The flakiness is a little bit of psoriasis and the redness under it is probably a combination of seborrheic dermatitis and tinea faciei, which is just a fancy word for fungus," he explained as he went to the sink and washed his hands.
" I have fungus on my face?"
" It's just like athlete's foot."
" Then why isn't it called athlete's face? And isn't 'psoriasis' dandruff?"
" Basically."
" How do I have dandruff it I don't have hair? Isn't not having dandruff one of the benefits of being bald?"
" It's pretty common in the eyebrows if the skin is dry."
" I see. God makes me bald but still insists on me having dandruff. That's really fair," I smirked. "So, I 've got dandruff AND fungi on my face. Is there anything else? Are mushrooms going to grow out of my nostrils, or any other crops? "
He laughed and told me not to worry about it. "I'll write a script for 2 ointments, and for a shampoo that you rub into your eyebrows and around the red areas at your beard. It should be gone in two or three weeks. Let's give the rest of you a look-over." He picked up the nitrogen canister and adjusted the angle of the examination light over me, then rolled over the huge magnifying glass attached to a metal pole with a wide wheeled base that I've nicknamed 'Cyclops'.
The examination always begins at the top of my head. I call this 'the bald man's bull's eye'. It seems to be a landing pad for cancer. As a matter of fact, being bald increases the risk of skin cancer almost as much as smoking an entire pack of cigarettes every day increases the risk of lung cancer (bald smokers are really screwed.)
Michael moves his finger in slow motion to make sure he doesn't miss any small mark or bump. He only found one AK to zap with the nitrogen, which impressed both of us. After he went over the tops of my shoulders, I laid down on the table so he could have a complete frontal view of my entire body. This includes Michael lowering my underwear, which, though done only for a few seconds without any sexual overtones or even undertones from him, is usually my favorite part of the cancer hunt. If I'm not naked at some point during a visit to a doctor, I feel I've not gotten my money's worth. But after finding out my face was filled with dandruff and fungus, I wasn't feeling particularly attractive. All I could think about was getting that face shampoo as quickly as possible.
When I flipped over for Michael to get a back view, within a few seconds I felt his finger going back and forth over two small areas in the middle of my back.
" AKs?" I asked with my head to the side, still laying on my stomach.
"No, not these," he said with some concern in his voice. " Stay right there. I just want to take a scraping of them." He put down the liquid nitrogen canister and got an instrument that looked like a thin box cutter which he used to take a sample of each.
" What are they?"
" Well, they could be nothing or they could be melanoma."
"Isn't there anything in between?" I asked, only half jokingly.
" Let's see what comes back from the biopsies, and then we'll know. Let's not worry too much right now," he said as he sealed the samples in two small vials and then continued the cancer hunt until my whole body was checked.
As I was getting dressed I asked Michael how much of a factor does hereditary play.
"It definitely is a strong factor. But it's not the only one. Suntanning plays a much greater roll. Like I said before, this is one of the only cancers that you can easily prevent."
" I know, I know," I said.
"I'll get the biopsies back in around a week. At least stay out of a tanning both until then."
" It's only once a month in the winter, don't worry."
We gave each other a friendly hug, and I waved goodbye as he left the room.
I wasn't worried for one reason. I was banking on the fact that my mother Priscilla is almost 72 years old and still regularly tans with baby oil, and has not gotten skin cancer yet. And there's no way in the world I'm getting melanoma before she gets it. It has to be genetically,and cosmically, impossible.
Michael called me a few days ago to give me the results. He started off by telling me the cells looked strange.
" Strange in a good way?" I asked optimistically.
" I guess so," he chuckled. " Both biopsies came back negative."
" It's just like athlete's foot."
" Then why isn't it called athlete's face? And isn't 'psoriasis' dandruff?"
" Basically."
" How do I have dandruff it I don't have hair? Isn't not having dandruff one of the benefits of being bald?"
" It's pretty common in the eyebrows if the skin is dry."
" I see. God makes me bald but still insists on me having dandruff. That's really fair," I smirked. "So, I 've got dandruff AND fungi on my face. Is there anything else? Are mushrooms going to grow out of my nostrils, or any other crops? "
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| This skin condition, known as Fungus Face, has been in my family for centuries. It can be traced back to my ancestor Romeo Glassman, depicted here by the 16th century Italian artist Giuseppe Arcimboldo. This same artist's series of yeast-inspired portraits of baked goods growing out of vaginas were not as well-received. |
The examination always begins at the top of my head. I call this 'the bald man's bull's eye'. It seems to be a landing pad for cancer. As a matter of fact, being bald increases the risk of skin cancer almost as much as smoking an entire pack of cigarettes every day increases the risk of lung cancer (bald smokers are really screwed.)
Michael moves his finger in slow motion to make sure he doesn't miss any small mark or bump. He only found one AK to zap with the nitrogen, which impressed both of us. After he went over the tops of my shoulders, I laid down on the table so he could have a complete frontal view of my entire body. This includes Michael lowering my underwear, which, though done only for a few seconds without any sexual overtones or even undertones from him, is usually my favorite part of the cancer hunt. If I'm not naked at some point during a visit to a doctor, I feel I've not gotten my money's worth. But after finding out my face was filled with dandruff and fungus, I wasn't feeling particularly attractive. All I could think about was getting that face shampoo as quickly as possible.
When I flipped over for Michael to get a back view, within a few seconds I felt his finger going back and forth over two small areas in the middle of my back.
" AKs?" I asked with my head to the side, still laying on my stomach.
"No, not these," he said with some concern in his voice. " Stay right there. I just want to take a scraping of them." He put down the liquid nitrogen canister and got an instrument that looked like a thin box cutter which he used to take a sample of each.
" What are they?"
" Well, they could be nothing or they could be melanoma."
"Isn't there anything in between?" I asked, only half jokingly.
" Let's see what comes back from the biopsies, and then we'll know. Let's not worry too much right now," he said as he sealed the samples in two small vials and then continued the cancer hunt until my whole body was checked.
As I was getting dressed I asked Michael how much of a factor does hereditary play.
"It definitely is a strong factor. But it's not the only one. Suntanning plays a much greater roll. Like I said before, this is one of the only cancers that you can easily prevent."
" I know, I know," I said.
"I'll get the biopsies back in around a week. At least stay out of a tanning both until then."
" It's only once a month in the winter, don't worry."
We gave each other a friendly hug, and I waved goodbye as he left the room.
I wasn't worried for one reason. I was banking on the fact that my mother Priscilla is almost 72 years old and still regularly tans with baby oil, and has not gotten skin cancer yet. And there's no way in the world I'm getting melanoma before she gets it. It has to be genetically,and cosmically, impossible.
Michael called me a few days ago to give me the results. He started off by telling me the cells looked strange.
" Strange in a good way?" I asked optimistically.
" I guess so," he chuckled. " Both biopsies came back negative."
I guess that sometimes it pays off swimming deep in Priscilla's gene pool, especially on very sunny days.
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